Organized Chaos - Volume 9
Obsessions and Dating
by Jared Kant
I've really done it this time. I have just committed to writing an article about the most terrifying thing in the universe and somehow tie it in with OCD as well. While I get my bearings, I should explain that under no circumstances do I claim to be either an expert at dating or an expert on the universe. It has been argued that I'm an expert on OCD, mostly by myself, and mostly with the argument “I have OCD; how much more educated can one be on the subject?” This has been met with mixed success, and I wouldn't try it out unless you're me, which you aren't.
I was reading an email that made its way around the office about the things women say and what they really mean. For men reading this article, you know what those emails are; they're chain letter decoder rings. For the women reading this article, please keep writing those chain letters because any little tidbit of advice in the dating world is sorely needed. Maybe not by everyone, maybe just by me; but, Lord in Heaven, it is certainly helpful to me. Even the stuff that pokes fun at guys, which is plentiful and abundant on the internet, has its merits. I can take it. I'm thick skinned.
These little tiny emails are actually given very little credit for the psychological value of their insight and education and are discarded primarily as spam. This is a travesty. I feel the information in there is as important because it is the underlying theme of something that is at the core of every relationship that has OCD as one of its factors.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as it's known by its full name (and how I address it when I'm angry), is a disorder that feeds off of variables. The first and most important variable in the equation is you. Or me. No, it's you. Why? Because your sanity and mental health depend on this being the most important variable.
The next variable in a relationship is the other person, the “partner.” This is equally important, but must take a back seat when it comes to your safety and mental well-being. This may sound selfish, and you can disregard what I'm saying as foolish. I won't be offended. Even my girlfriend does it on occasion.
Other variables in OCD relationships include the severity of the disease, where you are on your course in therapy, how comfortable you feel discussing your thoughts and fears with your partner, and the type of situation, the context, in which you are applying these variables.
In math, from what I understand, variables do little on their own unless applied in an equation or formula. Formulas use variables to come to a specific outcome. In relationships and all manners of life, with or without OCD, all the variables you can think of, and many that you haven't considered, are all boiled in a pot and somehow, the formula produces a result. This result is the consequence of your relationship and ultimately, how it will fare on you.
OCD introduces so many extraneous variables into daily life and even alters these equations so much that it makes day-to-day life often unmanageable. This is why dating under the influence of OCD must require absolute and strict attention to honesty, something I've been getting at the whole time and which was the subject of the aforementioned email.
Although we often answer questions about how we are doing and what we would like to do, even what we are thinking with the answers we feel are more upbeat and positive; this doesn't make it a terrific idea all the time. You know yourself. If you are not doing well, you need to be able to voice this and have it understood. More importantly, this needs to be okay with the other person. OCD or not, relationships and their success hinge on the ability of two people to respect how another person is feeling or what he or she is going through at any given moment.
Let's jump into it. It has come to my attention that girls and guys alike often answer every single question you throw at them with “Fine.” Sometimes this produces a comical result; but more often than it should, this results in sheer disaster. Fine is a very dangerous word. When used in a sentence to convey how you are feeling it gives this vague impression that everything is okay. While it's not necessarily the business of other people, in my own experience, OCD relationships require the ability of both partners to tell the other person that he or she is not fine. I'll get into this a little later.
OCD is characterized by worrying. When you ask your girlfriend or boyfriend if everything is “okay” because you have that sinking hollow feeling in your stomach, and he/she replies with a small silence and a quick “Fine,” you know, because you aren't stupid and possibly because you've read the email that went around the office, that he/she is possibly anything but; and “fine” isn't one of the words that could be honestly used to describe the situation.
When I can't get at what's going on in my relationship, it eats away at me. This is normal, I should mention. That's why giving advice on managing relationships with OCD is so tricky, so important, and so confusing. Like I said, dating can be scary stuff.
So what do you do when your partner is “fine?” If you're like me, you panic. I have spent sleepless nights going over each and every meticulous detail of the week surrounding the “fine” event and found that the only thing I've managed to do is elevate my blood temperature and pressure. This is hard to avoid, especially for some archetypes of OCD, where reassurance-seeking is a key symptom.
Another situation that was addressed, accidentally, by this office chain letter was the answer, “Don't worry about it.” Forgive me, but to the author of that email, “What? Are you stupid?” We OC folks are better at worrying than almost any other group of people in the world. If you tell us not to worry about it, chances are, we have already worried for six or seven hours to make sure that we had a good head start before you could even utter the words “Don't worry about it.” This is a pointless, ridiculous, and sort of insulting statement.
Now this raises a question or quandary that is not unique to OCD but is certainly exacerbated by it: Many of these generic answers are designed to be used quickly and defensively. While it's our natural tendency as Obsessive-Compulsives to seek out the truth and the most detailed truth at that, sometimes, people need space; and it is anything if not difficult to give them this space and properly balance oneself.
The bullet proof vest for this situation is to take a moment to explain to your partner that you will give him or her space when he/she requests it. This being said, emphasize that because of how you usually deal with situations, this is hard for you, and therefore will require honesty. Explain that you expect that if you are in a situation where someone is just not interested in talking or needs some privacy, s/he will tell you so and do so without requiring mind reading.
The moral of this editorial, if there's really any redeeming value other than comedic relief, is to persuade you to take the time to sit down with your partner at a moment when it's appropriate, and let her/him know that you are aware sometimes people say things they don't mean, even things that are the opposite of what they mean. Explain that for you, no must mean no, and yes must mean yes.
I can't count on my fingers alone the number of relationships between two healthy adults without OCD that could have been saved with this sort of conversation and mindset.
It is because OCD is SO permeated with doubt and insecurity that I must advise you to be as honest as possible with your partner. Let him or her know. Someone worth dating and learning about and loving is also someone worth being honest with. If she has made it to your dating world, that means she is interested in you. If she is interested in you for the right reasons and cares, see if you can't find a time to cover this conversation.
You can even blame me. I've recommended blaming me for a number of things, and this is one situation in which I would advise it. Tell your partner, “I read this weird article by some guy who writes about OCD and even has a book coming out (shameless plug), and he had all this crazy stuff about relationships. You should read this.”
This is just some unsolicited advice. As I've said, OCD is different with everyone, and it is most certainly unpredictably so with relationships, so who knows what works best for you. I'm merely relaying what is best for me and what works for me. As it stands, I should probably get back to my girlfriend of two years who has developed a tolerance for my late night writing binges.
After almost two years, you know I must have had a good talk about this sort of thing. Something must have worked. Good luck, and know I'm praying for you. Dating is a crazy world; we're just trying to make it a little less life-threatening and more OCD friendly.
