Organized Chaos - Volume 8
Defeating the Monster Within
by Alexander
There is a monster always looking for prey, and it can use whomever it wants to send into a roaring flame of torture. Any person on the street could have this monster within them, and some may not even know it.
Trying to stop a rising feeling of anxiety
Some call it the Doubting Disease, some call it the Virus, but there is no way to fully describe what this horrible creature does. I had the monster inside of me for years, and I never knew it. In recent years I had been having bizarre urges to do certain actions or gestures to stop a rising feeling of anxiety. I was doing strange actions to prevent something horrible from happening, and I didn’t know why, I just knew I had to do them. All of these actions I performed were nothing bad or significant, just small hardly noticeable things. Sometimes I would have to get my parents to assure me that things were OK. All of these weird little gestures never did anything for me, and the more I did them the more powerful the unscrupulous monster got. Sometimes I would try to stop these little gestures and even named the monster, The Virus.
My parents suspected OCD
Until just a few months ago I had no idea what was going on. My parents were getting a little worried and searched the Web. After they read a lot, they were pretty sure that the monster was OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. After I learned what the monster was, I was a little awestruck. It was just a disease, but it wasn’t a gentle disease as I was about to learn more than ever. This monster of a disease is caused by a lack of serotonin, a chemical in the brain. Let’s say your brain is a car, and serotonin is oil. A car needs oil sometimes, right? So does your brain to keep it from getting rusty and to keep it from getting jammed. After we discovered the identity of the monster we decided to see a professional.
Seeking professional help
When we first went to see a psychologist, I was really, really nervous. I was afraid that I would go crazy. It went OK, but I was a little stressed out when I found out that I would have to go to the psychologist every week. We discussed the situation for a while, and decided that it would be safe to try a different psychologist. My dad thought the person we saw did not know much about OCD. This first psychologist disapproved that we had given OCD a name.
During our search for help the deep depths of OCD hit me like a train. One day I woke up and I knew for sure that I was going to do something horrible. This pain was excruciating because I felt like a criminal all of the time and felt like I could do something bad any minute. Then it got me worst on Thanksgiving night. I had been having horrible feelings all that day, and then that night it got me like never before. I was so horrified I didn’t sleep a minute that night. It never quite hit me so hard again. I can still feel a little of the pain when I think about it.
It turns out that these horrible feelings of doubt are called Obsessions Without Compulsions, or just constant bad thoughts that bother you all of the time. You just have to remember that it’s not you constantly having those thoughts. The doubt is OCD trying to trick you, and it’s very good at it.
Learning about ERP and CBT
During the next few weeks my parents did more research and found Freeing Your Child from OC, by Dr. Chansky. This book really helped us a ton. It tells you about all of the symptoms of OCD, and variations of it, such as PANDAS, which is caused by strep throat. This book taught us how to Boss Back OCD by using certain methods like ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy).
A little before all of this we found a new psychologist. We came out feeling alright, but not terribly hopeful. We thought about it that week, and decided that we needed somebody that could give us a better feeling. The therapist didn’t seem to know a whole lot on the matter of OCD. Never go to the wrong therapist, they could truly set you down the wrong path. Listen to your instincts.
It seemed like we would never find the right psychologist. We figured that to really do some good we had to try to go to the best. We actually got somebody who seemed to really know what he was doing on the phone and scheduled an appointment. We were so happy that we had found some great help. The day we went to the big city, I was very nervous. I didn’t really know what to expect.
Finding a right psychologist
It turns out that we had a wonderful psychologist, and he was going to help us hit OCD out of the ballpark. We started doing work in ERP and CBT. It seemed hopeless at first, but soon I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. With some hard work I have gotten a whole lot better and can actually be joyful again. You’ve just got to take the leash and be the master of OCD, and don’t let OCD be the master of you!
