Organized Chaos - Volume 3
I'm Only Human (And Therefore Not Perfect)
by Merry E. McVey-Noble, Ph.D.,
Sony Khemlani-Patel, Ph.D.,
and Fugen Neziroglu, Ph.D., ABBP
Here's a quiz for you perfectionists:
- Are you from another planet?
- Does your heart pump anything other than nice red oxygenated blood?
- Do your lungs require any substance other than air to function?
- Is your skin made of plastic?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, this article does not apply to you. Stop reading now. If you answered "no" to of these questions, then congratulations, because YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING! Your status as a member of the species "homo sapiens" confirms your humanity, and, your imperfection. We know that this is a tough concept to grasp. All we hear about is "striving for perfection" and "going for the gold;" but sometimes it is OK to be a flawed, fallible and very human.
It seems like the pursuit of perfection is reinforced all around us. What's better than straight A's on your report card, getting the "athlete of the millennium award," or having just a "good hair day," but the best hair every day? While we're at it, why not try to be the best all the time at everything? Then the people who already love you suddenly will realize that they love you infinitely more because you are perfect. Right? No, wrong!
Perfect 10. It is this drive to look perfect, perform perfectly and to feel perfect that creates misery for humans. We spend our time trying to get things right or wait to do things until we feel just right. It slows us down and gets us very frustrated. It's not uncommon for people who are perfectionists to miss out on opportunities and fun. They are unable to let go of a task or an activity or to move on until they achieve that feeling of perfection. The problem is that this happens so seldom or takes so long to achieve that perfectionists become aggravated and frustrated.
The activity that is so important in the first place ends up the same or better if perfectionism wasn't the goal. This happens because perfectionists get so stuck on certain details of an activity. They get distracted from the actual goal of completing the task. And even if perfection is possible, perfectionists have to ask themselves if it's worth all that worrying and extra time to get something "just a little bit better."
It's important to remember that although perfection seems like a great goal, as a human, it's not always possible. It's more important to balance the urge to get things right with the knowledge that you don't have to be perfect to enjoy life. How valuable is perfection if you are miserable and missing out on fun, friends, family and life? Even the biggest heroes, the most famous and talented people are flawed because they are humans. They are not aliens from some wierd, perfect planet.
Now, think of how you try to be perfect in your own life.
- Are you afraid of giving the wrong answer in school?
- Do you make a decision then question it?
- Do you try to do your homework so perfectly that it takes you a longer time than your friends to do it?
- Are you uncertain whether your clothes are on the right way?
- Do you avoid things, such as, sports, unless you can do them perfectly?
- Are you one of those people who tries to be perfect no matter what you are doing?
Being perfect is not only hard; it's impossible. As long as we are human, we cannot be perfect. Perfectionism gets in the way of accomplishing goals. If you have OCD you may try to be perfect because your OCD tells you to be. You have learned not to listen to your OCD. We know that is hard and a continuous struggle. Your OCD may try to trick you into believing that if you try hard enough you can be perfect. You keep trying; you get frustrated; and you don't get anywhere. In fact, it is hard for you to do many things because the perfectionism gets in the way.
Okay, so what do you do?
First, figure out whether you are a perfectionist, then how upsetting is it to you. Finally does it stop you from doing things you want. Ask friends and family to help you figure that out. Secondly, you need to stop being a perfectionist. "Great," you say, "but how?" Here are some ways others have found to change.
- Make a list of areas that you think you try to be a perfectionist.
- Ask yourself what are the disastrous consequences if things are not done perfectly. Then challenge that thought and see if it makes sense. Do you really need to be afraid of the consequences?
- Write down the thoughts you have when you want to be perfect. Challenge those thoughts. If I don't hand in extremely neat homework, I will fail. Ask yourself whether you would fail a class merely by handing homework without the i's dotted or the t's crossed.
- Try doing things imperfectly.
- If you feel uncomfortable stay with the uncomfortable feelings.
- Answer questions incorrectly sometimes. Start practicing this at home. Have family members ask you questions and purposely give the wrong answer.
- When a decision is not important (i.e., what to eat), make the decision quickly and stick to it.
We have found some of the exercises above have been helpful to the people we work with. There is a lot more that can be done, so don't get discouraged if the suggestions don't work right away. Keep working on being imperfect. Feel free to write to us and ask for more suggestions. You can overcome being a perfectionist as long as you don't try to do that perfectly too. Just kidding!
Drs. McVey-Noble, Khemlani-Patel and Neziroglu are all cognitive behavior psychologists who specialize in obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders. They all work out of Bio-Behavioral Institute in Great Neck, NY.
Drs. McVey and Neziroglu both are professors at Hofstra University, teaching human sexual behavior and psychopharmacology, respectively. Dr. Khemlani is administrator and coordinates the intensive inpatient and outpatient OCD spectrum Ppogram. Dr. Neziroglu has a special interest in body dysmorphic disorder. Dr. Neziroglu has published over 8 books and numerous publications on the obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders, both in English and Spanish.
If you wish to contact the Bio-Behavioral Institute you may call 516:487-7116, Fax 516:829-1731,or e-mail Institute@bio-behavioral.com. Their Web Site is located at http://www.bio-behavioral.com
